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In the world of relationships, few debates stir as much emotion as the question of whether men are using women or whether women are twisting reality to fit their own narratives. Is this dynamic driven by unhealed trauma, survival instincts, or a toxic cycle of manipulation where both parties use each other and then shift the blame? Let’s unpack this with an objective lens, backed by psychology, human behavior, and over 25 years of experience working with individuals and coaching many clients.
The Expectation Trap: When Reality Clashes with Desire
Many women enter relationships with a clear vision of what they want commitment, emotional depth, and a future partner who fits their blueprint of an ideal man. When a man initially engages with interest but doesn’t conform to her expectations over time, the common reaction is to believe he was leading her on. But was he really? Or was he just being himself, while she was seeing potential instead of reality?
It’s easy to demonise men as users and manipulators when they don’t meet these expectations. However, expectations themselves can be dangerous when they are shaped by unresolved trauma rather than genuine compatibility.
Is She in Survival Mode?
For many women, unhealed wounds from past relationships or childhood experiences trigger a survival-based approach to love. In survival mode, people are driven by a deep fear of abandonment, rejection, or instability. This fear distorts perception, making every interaction feel like a fight for security. A man showing initial interest can be mistaken for long-term intent, and when he doesn’t follow through in the way she expects, it feels like betrayal when in reality, he may have never promised the commitment she assumed.
The human brain is wired to seek safety, and in relationships, safety often translates to certainty. When a man doesn’t give that certainty, it can activate old wounds, leading to a defensive response blaming him, demonizing him, or crafting a narrative that positions her as the victim rather than addressing the deeper wounds she carries.
The Cycle of Mutual Manipulation
But let’s not paint women as the only ones operating from a place of wounding. Men, too, have their own traumas and survival strategies. Some men crave validation, feeding off a woman’s desire for commitment to boost their own sense of worth. Others enjoy the chase but fear true intimacy, retreating when things get too deep. Some even manipulate women with false promises, knowingly exploiting emotional investment.
The truth is, many men and women manipulate each other to fulfill their own unmet needs whether it’s security, validation, control, or power. And when the illusion breaks, the blame game begins. She calls him a liar; he calls her delusional. In reality, they both entered the dynamic seeking something, whether consciously or subconsciously, and when their needs weren’t met, they turned against each other instead of addressing the deeper issues at play.
Breaking the Cycle: Ownership & Healing
The only way to escape this toxic cycle is through radical self-awareness and personal responsibility. Instead of blaming men for “using” them.
Women must ask themselves:
Am I seeing reality, or am I projecting my own desires onto someone who never promised them?
Am I choosing men who trigger my wounds because chaos feels familiar?
Have I done the inner work to recognise what a healthy relationship actually looks like?
Men, on the other hand, must ask themselves:
Am I being honest about my intentions, or am I saying what she wants to hear to keep her around?
Am I running from commitment due to my own fears of inadequacy or loss of freedom?
Do I seek validation through multiple women instead of confronting my own insecurities?
The Power of Self-Leadership
At the end of the day, relationships are not about ownership or entitlement they are about alignment and self-leadership. No one owes you love, commitment, or security. You create those things by first cultivating them within yourself. If you enter a relationship seeking to fill a void, you are already set up for disappointment.
A thriving relationship is one where both people come together from a place of wholeness, not survival. When we heal, we stop blaming. When we take ownership, we stop manipulating. And when we lead ourselves, we attract people who are truly aligned with us not just filling the gaps in our unhealed wounds.
Final Thoughts
Are men using women? Sometimes. Are women twisting narratives to fit their emotional needs? Sometimes. But the real question isn’t about blame it’s about responsibility. Who do you choose to be in the dynamic? Are you willing to do the inner work, or will you continue the cycle? The choice is always yours.
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